Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Skier Named Buffoon:

Here is a list of sterotypes that I wrote a couple years ago about the different types of skiers you have on the mountain. If you are a skier, you'll probably find some of these amusing, if not, you'll probably still find some of these amusing. So, Just thought I'd post it for history's sake.

1. Mr. Wanker Head - The middle aged guy who is going through a mid life crisis, and he thinks that if he kicks his own arse skiing he will feel better about himself. So he "hits the gnarly bumps!" And therefore destroys any decent line while managing to cut you off 3 or 4 times as well.

2. Douche Nozzle - It's all too common to see these little bastages on a snowboard trying to "Tear it up." down the mogul runs. I hate when snowboarders think it’s okay to go down a mogul run. I stay off their runs, so stay off mine! Contrary to popular belief a mogul does not make a good jump. Nor is a mogul field a "terrain park." Furthermore, if you are going to go down a mogul field on a Snowboard which should only ever, be on accident. Have the state of mind to either go on the side where you won't destroy our line. and please refrain from staying on your back heel the entire ride down. You don’t want to be classified as a “One Turn Schmuck” (see #10) as well do you? It destroys the run. Morons.

3. The Untouchable - These guys and gals are the joyously brain-dead folks who don't realize that they can in fact break their neck while skiing. Though I tip my hat to them for being ballsy, the fact that they are total morons negates any positive aspects of their insanity. These people usually ski very fast… yet they rarely ski well. Generally, they prefer running into small children to stop themselves.

4. The Mtn. Ogre – These men usually wear blue jeans and gardening gloves. They are often extremely overweight and usually quite old. Whenever they take a spill, they generally leave a Grand Canyon sized hole in the snow that you will surely fall into at one point or another. It is a requirement that they fall off the lift every single time they unload. But never before they drop every loose item they have on their body causing the next group to run over goggles, gloves, poles, etc… You can usually get a good laugh as you watch the poor lift operator who stopped the lift try and help the mammoth of a man get up off the icy surface without blowing a gasket & giving himself a hernia.

5. The New Hotness! – This group usually consists of women. They usually have extremely wealthy husbands who buy them top of the line skis and boots that have little heaters on the backs. All so that she can pay $80 for her lift ticket to ski one run, and then read a romance novel in the lodge for the remainder of the day while sporting her perfectly applied makeup, and overly treated hair. Tight pants are a must and fur is usually present on at least one part of her outfit. Puffy turtlenecks are frequently seen as well.

6. Crazy Terry – This guy lives in a large van near a river and somehow manages to ski everyday without fail. He will often sport a long beard, blue jeans and one of those really long elf looking hats that violently flap behind him as he skis. He is always certain to make frequent booze stops at his large ninja turtle backpack at the bottom of the lift. He doesn’t ever forget his roots however. He makes sure to stand at the bottom of the lift while screaming out his chants and prayers while dancing in circles and guzzling his bud.

7. The Ski Bunny – These ladies are generally no bother to anyone. They keep to themselves and stay to the lesser-ranked runs. They are usually fairly good beginner skiers, but not great. They can manage on easy runs, but would poop their pants on anything steeper than a double blue diamond. Then they would poop themselves again for good measure. They usually have families that are skiing on the hard runs, while they go on the easy runs to go and cheer for their kids at the bottom of the hard ones.

8. Rico Suave’ – This guy usually spends way too much time getting ready to go skiing. He makes sure he’s looking good so he can try and pimp the New Hotness Momma’s (see #5) though he is usually a pretty good skier, he is often there for the wrong reason. If he falls, he checks his hair in the reflection of his goggles. It’s always the best when you see these guys with a big huge frozen booger on their chins or noses. It’s a rule that you never tell them. You allow anyone and everyone to see it.

9. Mr. Turtle – It’s a rule that when you ski with a large group of people at least one of them takes on the role of Mr. Turtle. He or she must at all costs cause the entire group to wait for them for at least 2 minutes at a time. Mr. Turtle usually ends up getting ditched. But don’t worry your little head. You can always yell cutting remarks as you loom above him on the lift every time you pass by. It’s just as if you skied with him all day right?

10. One Turn Schmuck – These are the greatly hated buffoons who make one turn at the top of the run, and then slide down sideways the entire run. Scraping off any sign of new snow that could have existed before they brutally raped and plundered the mountain.

11. I.C. Rump. – This very common breed of snowboarder never sits alone. It is also a rule that they never sit in convenient places. It is either in the middle of the run, or right in front of a jump that you want to hit. Either way, they make it very clear that there is nothing wrong with the fact that when they fall they have a right to sit there for 5 or 10 minutes while they “recuperate.” They firmly believe that if they consume a large enough amount of snow they will no longer be thirsty. They also believe it can heal most physical ailments. This breed also tends to be a “one turn schmuck.” (See # 10)

12. Big Foot – These are the little idiots with those freaking short ski’s called “Big Foots.” Whoever designed these skis made sure it would be virtually impossible to stop at excessive speeds. Big Footers often believe it to be a good idea to go on runs that are virtually impossible for such equipment. This breed is often short lived however. Either finding out that it is in fact not cool at all, or perhaps just giving them to their little brothers after last years major concussion.

13. The Renter - These are the poor saps who are forced to rent their ski's from a rental shop. For some reason I think it's a rule at rental shops that they make skis far too tight, or far too loose. So when these people fall, they either break their legs because their ski's won't come off, or they yard sale so big that their ski's are laying 200 yards above them after they come to a stop. It always seems like there's those who will be standing in the lift line, and they manage to step the wrong way, and pop out of their binding. Then they fall over and can't get back in, and it's just a big mess. It's really a marvelous thing for us to watch.

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